the cardinal rule of urinals

American men should understand the main rule of using a urinal in a public restroom: If possible, choose a urinal one apart from the other guy. In other words, do not use a urinal next to someone already using a urinal if another urinal one or more apart is open for use.

I encountered someone on Friday at work who either didn’t want to use the other urinal or just wasn’t thinking.

As soon as I unzipped my pants to urinate, someone had occupied the urinal next to me that same moment. I usually don’t get nerved out taking a piss even with someone using the urinal next to me, but this guy’s timing couldn’t have been any worse. I had to cut the cheese but didn’t want to embarrass myself. Preventing flatulence while at the same time urinating is next to impossible for me.

I stood at the urinal unable to piss. The guy was experiencing the same dilemma. We both waited. Enough time eventually went by where the situation became uncomfortable. We both knew that our nerves had taken over and neither of us has started our streams.

With all of my might, I clenched my cheeks so the fart wouldn’t slip, relaxed the rest of me and peed. The stream was pathetic, resistant to my signals to let it flow as free as possible, flow with the knowing that I had just drank a total of four six-ounce cups of delicious, diuretic Columbian freshly-ground and flavored with hazelnut creamer and Splenda hot coffee. But I was going, I was urinating all right. I had beat my nemesis of the moment, a guy who didn’t quite understand the cardinal rule of urinals.

In the men’s restroom at work, along the wall are four stalls and three urinals. The urinals have dividers between them. The urinal closest to the restroom entrance is lower to the ground. I’m guessing it’s more designed for young kids and midgets. Anyone’s still able to use it.

If you respect the cardinal rule, then you’ll know to use that one if the one next to the first stall, most left of the three urinals, is in use. If the one in the middle is in use, then you should know better and just take a stall. The cardinal rule of urinals is in place for a reason. Only Mother Nature can really explain why two guys, strangers to one another, will often geek out when standing next to each other trying to pee.

Knowing he was defeated, he remained standing at his urinal while my trickle continued. I guess he was pretending that he was urinating, but in the next to silent restroom, I didn’t hear the water being splashed nor the comforting running sound of a stream of piss. The dude was pretending, and I was getting a small kick out of it. He pretending for about three-quarters of my urination, zipped himself up and pulled the handle.

After I finished, I waited ’til he was done washing his hands and exited the bathroom. After he left, I zipped up, washed my hands and exited. He had created an awkward moment by disobeying the rule, let enough time pass delaying his stream and standing there geeked out while, on a rare occasion due to his impeccable timing, I stood there geeked out.

To rephrase my earlier statements and conclude this post: Leave at least one space between urinals if possible, and don’t let your nerves take over unless you have to fart and piss at the same time but don’t want to let your methane flood another man’s nostrils. Peace out.


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Author: Sig

Modern Soapbox is the blog of Sig.

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